Motherf@ther

JOHNNY WALKER IS A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN AND A MOTHERF@THERING AMATEUR
Her first drawing of a face! A new milestone everyday! It’s a portrait of her father. He’s not smiling, lips are purple, face is bloated with massive circles around the eyes.

Her first drawing of a face! A new milestone everyday! It’s a portrait of her father. He’s not smiling, lips are purple, face is bloated with massive circles around the eyes.

Mother’s Day Instructions to Father

1) Get out of bed before she does.
2) Get the baby and/or toddler and leave the house.
3) Return two hours later with baby and/or toddler, coffee, food and a card and/or flowers.
4) Say “Happy Mother’s Day.”

It is now 9 AM. Congratulations! You have fulfilled your Mother’s Day duties. 

My daughter’s apology (as dictated to and transcribed by my wife) to her teachers for painting herself last week.

My daughter’s apology (as dictated to and transcribed by my wife) to her teachers for painting herself last week.

Using a diagram to try to explain the concept of a stepmother, stepsisters, a fairy godmother, an evil cat and a good dog, mice, birds and a Prince in relation to Cinderella. 

There are many things I love about Froyo Life: 1) a healthy variety of yogurt flavors2) large selection of toppings3) incredible value4) quality espresso. There are a few things I do not like about Froyo Life: 1) The name, “Froyo Life” sounds like something Tupac would tattoo on his chest if he were from Bel Air.2) The slogan, “I’m Addicted” leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It is insensitive to addicts and also frightening to associate with children. But, it does explain the guy who lives outside the store with “Froyo Life” tattooed on his chest, offering handjobs in exchange for 2 ounces of product.

There are many things I love about Froyo Life:

1) a healthy variety of yogurt flavors
2) large selection of toppings
3) incredible value
4) quality espresso.

There are a few things I do not like about Froyo Life:

1) The name, “Froyo Life” sounds like something Tupac would tattoo on his chest if he were from Bel Air.
2) The slogan, “I’m Addicted” leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It is insensitive to addicts and also frightening to associate with children. But, it does explain the guy who lives outside the store with “Froyo Life” tattooed on his chest, offering handjobs in exchange for 2 ounces of product.

Blpppppt!

This is the Garbage Pail Kid, who with Nigel, could build a house from dried leaves and snot.

Zoo!

Here’s a page out of the cake book at the grocery store. Barbie is available in a variety of racial and cake flavors. Now all little girls, regardless of color, can gain unhealthy body image issues by observing Barbie’s impossible-to-obtain figure while simultaneously stuffing themselves with diabetes-friendly Barbie brand frosting. Multiracial Cake Barbie is diabolically evil. [I thought ordering a “Caucasian” only meant a White Russian.]

Here’s a page out of the cake book at the grocery store. Barbie is available in a variety of racial and cake flavors. Now all little girls, regardless of color, can gain unhealthy body image issues by observing Barbie’s impossible-to-obtain figure while simultaneously stuffing themselves with diabetes-friendly Barbie brand frosting. Multiracial Cake Barbie is diabolically evil.

[I thought ordering a “Caucasian” only meant a White Russian.]

Magic Trick!